For What It's Worth

Today I went to Lions Nursing Home. Organized by CPA Club.

The experience I had there is beyond words. I visited another Old Folks Home before called Home of Peace. But the experience I had there was really different compared to what I experienced at the Lions Home.

The first thing I did was the usual thing that Volunteers do. Cleaning up and etc. This needs no further explanation.

The thing that had a huge impact on me the most is the feeding the Grandma moments and pushing the wheelchair moments. I've been having flashbacks on what I did today. This will be my very honest feelings so please excuse me if you find anything I say offensive or heartless. I also must remind you that I am no angel.

When I fed the Grandma today, which is kolok mee by the way, I remembered thinking "oh dear, so hard to cut this noodle. And why not I get to feed rice or something?" And then I got annoyed and incredibly angry with myself.

My good side went "What on earth are you thinking?! How can you be so utterly heartless, Amanda?! Have you no feelings? Do you have any idea what it's like to be in the Grandma's shoes? To be so helpless and frustrated because you want to do things yourself but can't cos you have to depend on others. "

I am a selfish person. No doubt about that. It's a good thing I have my conscience to remind myself why am I doing this. It's for Charity and to show them our love.

I also remember getting super frustrated because I can't understand what the Grandma is talking about. I end up answering yes to everything the Grandma says. Gosh! T_____T What if I said yes to something negative she said about herself? :( HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID?!

I'm supposed to feel good after doing this Charity work but for some reasons, I feel guilty. My selfish side is damn shameful and 100% incredibly spiteful! Being human is stupid sometimes. Seriously!

I saw the others going outside since the other grandmas don't need help feeding them. After I finished feeding the first grandma, I tried talking to her. I offered to bring her more water since she finished hers quite fast. I couldn't leave the Grandma No.1 so I stayed back and tried to talk to her again despite the fact that I barely understand what is she saying. :(

The second grandma, I didn't finish feeding her because the bus came and I have to go home. I remembered seeing one of my friends who haven't finish feeding one of the Grandma and continued on feeding her. She didn't mind staying back to feed her and follow other CPA member back. I salute her. I really do. I didn't do that. I walked away instead. And that is one of the shameful things that I did. I wished now that I continued on feeding her but of course, it's too late. I walked away because I really needed to go to the toilet badly and there, as you can see, once again, the selfish me. It's a downright embarassing and deceitful act.

It's all in the past now. What has happened today. What I did today. I wish I could turn back time. To change all things that needs to be changed. To help the grandmas and grandpas as much as I can.

There is one thing that I really enjoyed doing though. The singing and trying to cheer up the grandmas and grandpas. I was really happy to see that one of the grandma smiling widely at us as we sing. :D

Oh yea, one of the grandma is a Roman Catholic and she started singing one of our church songs and halfway through her singing, she started crying. It was depressing yet truly saddening to see her in that way. And she mentioned something about dying. I had no idea how to react. I was speechless. I remembered hating her children though. But perhaps I shouldn't really blame them. I need not be so judgemental.

Nevertheless, despite all of this, I think this was a very meaningful experience for me. From now on, I'm going to learn to be more selfless, to be more considerate of others. I hope I get another chance to go to the Nursing Home again. I want to do things correctly next time. I will even dance for them to cheer them up. I don't care how stupid I will look.

For what it's worth, I sincerely hope that I will be given the chance again to be able to give the Grandma and Grandpas all the love and care in this world.